Sunday, November 28, 2010

Stupid Patrol: 'Tis the Season

Shopper crossing signImage by turtlemom4bacon via FlickrEvery year I go out with such high hopes when I go Christmas shopping. And every year my hopes are crushed within the first thirty minutes of the first shopping trip.

This year has proven to be no exception. I was in the Christmas section of Wal-Mart when I got a great big whiff of "Bah Humbug."

And that kind of poor attitude did not stop at the end of the wreaths, trees & lights. It permeated the entire store. In fact, there was a stark contrast between the joyful Christmas music playing overhead, and the pervasive mood of the store.

Children were crying, parents spoke sharply, several customers looked mad just for the sake of being mad. And even though there's a Christmas song that talks about the hustle & bustle of Christmas in a happy, joyful way, this hustle & bustle was cranky & irritated.

Oh, and one mustn't forget how Christmas brings out all the people who normally stay at home, except for the occasional midnight run to Wal-Mart for beer & bread. These are the people who are wandering around like deer in headlights with an actual grocery list and no skills to actually acquire the items on said list.

I had an idea for this season's shopping: I think everyone should be assigned a time to shop. That way it wouldn't be overly crowded at any given time, and the staff could be scheduled accordingly. And, since it's my idea, I propose that we clump all the stupid people together. That way stores can prepare for the special circumstances that inevitably crop up when the stupid people are shopping.

For instance, Wal-Mart could have an employee over in Tires and Hardware who would redirect the stupid people looking for tobasco sauce and underwear to the appropriate departments. And they would close down the self-checkout lanes all together.

The other thing I would request, since this is my idea, is that I get to shop at any other time except for when the stupid people are scheduled. Goodness knows I've shopped with enough of them I should be exempt. (Yes, ma'am, you do have to cook that turkey before you serve it... Well, sir, I'm fairly certain that vacuum does not require batteries. You plug it into the wall... No, ma'am, I don't work here. But I shop here very often, so I can say with certainty that Wal-Mart doesn't carry Abercrombie & Fitch cologne.)

I hope you all have a wonderful, stupid-free shopping season. And to all a happy, idiot-free goodnight.
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