Friday, April 29, 2011

Sign Me Up for SPAM! NOT!

What's for Dinner! - SpamImage by brizzle born and bred via FlickrI am an admitted "sign me up now" junkie.

It's sad really. I can't help it.

Evidently there is some sort of camera on my computer that allows internet businesses to hone in on the "SUCKER" stamped across my forehead. I'm minding my own business, browsing through the internet, (usually late at night when I'm drowsy and my common sense is snoozing) when I see some ad that promises youth, wealth, beauty, brilliance, creativity-- "and all for FREE". Wow! All that for FREE??? Sign me up!

And in goes my email address. And I'm signed up. For life.

Despite the fact that all these great offers promise you they "won't share your private information" and that "you can unsubscribe at any time," I have the sneaky feeling that they might be LYING!

Not only do I get solicited via email for stuff I would NEVER, EVER sign up for, when I try to unsubscribe, I usually end up jumping through a series of hoops which never get to that magical "Thank you. You are now unsubscribed." In fact, I'm pretty sure that when I try to unsubscribe, it is actually just subscribing me to additional lists.

The worst part? It's my own fault!

But really- Who doesn't want to lose 35 pounds in 14 days by following one simple tip? Who doesn't want to get free designer hand bags and shoes you get to test and keep, and only have to fill out a short survey to help the manufacturer? Who wouldn't want to clip coupons so valuable that the supermarket will have to pay you to take the groceries? Of course I want a free iPad, iMac, iPhone and iPod for simply completing offers from two sponsors.

I am a glutton for punishment and an advertiser's dream come true.

The result of all these impulse mouse clicks is an email inbox stuffed to over-flowing every time I turn on my computer.

I almost need a little shock system installed in my computer keyboard that zaps me when I initiate a certain series of key strokes that are required for almost every smoozy deal out there.

What is your name?

Key Stroke: K-R-I  **ZAP**

See? Sign up aborted; Junk email avoided.


If it were only that easy....

For now, I guess I'll continue to get email offers: for diapers, although my youngest child is 9; for AARP membership, even though I'm not even 45 yet; and for everything in between...

You know, maybe there's a course or a self-help book that would help curb my impulse clicking. I think I'll see if I can sign up for a blog or free offer...

Enhanced by Zemanta

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Beauty & the Beast

I tell stories about my children so often, because they are such good subjects for material! But this post is dedicated to one of my greatest goof-ups of all time. (Just so you can feel a little good about yourself today.)

I have dark hair and dark eyes, which I got from my mom. I feel very blessed to have gotten her beauty- both inside and out.

CAUTION: MommyBarbie Waxing!
However, as the saying goes, "No good deed goes unpunished." Dark hair on my head also means dark hair on my legs. (ew) Not the best look for bathing suit season.

For years I have shaved. And shaved. And shaved. Only to have to shave again, lest we have a "five o'clock shadow" on the beach or at the pool.

This year, I decided, would be different: I would somehow resolve my "beastly" problem in a way that involved me being in the shower less and on the beach more! My conclusion? WAX!

I checked out the local prices for waxing. Yikes! To actually achieve a smooth, hair-free body from head-to-toe we were talking major bucks! Suddenly, I was having to choose between a hair-free vacation at home, or a somewhat less hairy vacation. Of course, I'm a sucker for that golden sand, so I determined I would just wear a wet suit and be done with it.

But then- wait! Sally's Beauty Supply sells all of the "stuff" needed to wax like a professional- in my own home! Eureka! And the cost of all the supplies was about 1/3 of what it would cost to go in for that head-to-toe intensive follicle rip. I'm in!!!

Fast forward to Friday night. (Yes, my life has come to waxing on a Friday night. *sigh*)

I prepared the wax in the special warmer, read the instructions, decided to be "dangerous" and NOT watch the enclosed video (how hard could this be?), and went for it!

My legs were not too bad. One big rip like a band-aid and my hair was gone! This rocks!

Then I got to the back of my knees & upper legs. Oh how I wish I had been a fly on the wall to watch the gymnastics and contortions of trying to reach the backs of my knees & upper legs. They are not easy to reach even when I shave without some interesting positions. But add in the extra "wow" factor of hot wax and waxing strips, and we had ourselves a show! (Thank goodness no one was watching!) Finally, I believed I had at least scared most of the hair into deciding not to grow any further, even if I hadn't gotten it off. So it was time to move on to...

The bikini area!  Okay- let me just say: OUCH! This is one area I can totally say would be worth any amount of money not to have to self-inflict. But once I was half-way in, I could not bring myself to stop and go to a "professional," to whom I would have to explain myself. I could only imagine the conversation: "So, I got this waxing kit..." No... I couldn't imagine the conversation. So I had to move (proverbially) onward and upward.

After the stars in my eyes began to clear and I stopped weeping openly (My gracious, the things we do in the name of beauty!) I figured it may not look great, but it was decidedly better than before. So on to the arm pits...

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

First of all, the wax is HOT! And somehow every nerve ending in my body was concentrated in my left arm pit. Talk about "no pain, no gain." Geesh!

Then, just as I was reaching for the strip to put over the wax, so that I could then rip away the hair... middle daughter came in the bathroom totally distraught, having gotten ill with the stomach virus.

Without thinking, I turned to her to check on her...

and put my arm down...

with the hot wax...

and no strip.

By the time I realized it, it was too late.

My left arm pit was waxed shut.

So then, I was dealing with my daughter and getting her cleaned up with the equivalent of a broken left wing. But with the extra excitement of having movement cause intense, blinding pain.

Finally having gotten her settled, I returned back to my poor, sad left arm pit. "At least," I reasoned, "the hair will be gone once I get my arm pit un-stuck."

Um, no.

After prying it open enough to put in warm water & the special spa stuff that takes off the extra wax (Thank you, God, for making me buy that on impulse!), I realized that not a single hair was pulled out.

I spent a good twenty minutes trying to get the gooey, sticky wax out of my arm pit.

Then I jumped in the shower and went back to the trusty razor for both Arm Pit One, and Arm Pit Two.

On the whole, I would say my waxing experience was a success. And I will probably stick to some waxing- particularly from my knees down.

However, it will be quite some time (and perhaps a hefty dose of some sedatives) before I venture into the arm pit waxing business again.

But, on the plus side, I am beach-ready... Well, at least I'm (body) hair-free...

Now I just need to lose some weight, find "the" bathing suit and wait for June to get here!
Enhanced by Zemanta