Thursday, May 14, 2009

Another Parental Top 10

I have written about how, as a parent, I say things that I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I would say. (Things like: "Child, quit biting the dog.")

I have come to realize recently that there are things I do as a parent, that I would never have envisioned doing. And, if I weren't a parent, you could not pay me any amount of money to do them.

I have compiled my "Top 10 Things I Have Done, That I Would Never Do, Except I Am A Parent" for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

10. One morning we were busy getting ready for school/work, and Amy had a special performance. She put on her church clothes, and pretty sandals. As I was scurrying around, Amy asked if I would paint her toes, as they were chipped and not very attractive. I said, "Sure," and, without a second thought, dropped to my knees to begin painting her toes. Hubby walked in and was completely alarmed. His vision: he walked in to find his wife on her hands and knees, in her underwear, painting his daughter's toes.

9. I was driving down the road with the kids when Amy began shrieking. I, terribly alarmed, asked what in the world was the matter. She said, "Oh, nothing," as she smiled. I chastised her and explained she was never, ever to do that again. So, naturally, five minutes later, she did it again. I pulled over to the side of the road and told her to get out of the car. She did, and gave me the most pitiful look I've ever seen. I glared at her and allowed her back in the car.

8. I was chastised by my children for suggesting we eat Baskin Robbins ice cream for dinner. (Really. What's wrong with this picture?)

7. On several occasions, I have been known to try and "gently direct" my family to get ready for church. There is usually some fighting between the kids, some general piddling around by everyone, and at least one pretty good "melt down" at some point. By the time we get in the car to go to church, I am irate. I have been know to say something profound, like, "Now, everybody put on your seat belt, be quiet and let's go love Jesus!!!!!"

6. I was so very, very sick and tired. And hubby was out of town. And I had all the kids myself. I had to feed them something. They were hungry. The poor kids ate cereal for 48 hours straight.

5. When Keith was little, everything he did was completely miraculous and amazing. We took two hours of video tape of him swinging in his baby swing.

4. When Emma was little and potty training, she got into the habit of wanting to "potty" everywhere we went. It was incredibly annoying, not to mention, it completely wrecked my day's schedule. One day we were in Krogers grocery shopping. Naturally, we had to stop by the restroom. Fairly soon thereafter, we went to check out. Emma asked to go to the restroom again. I assumed she was just bored, and she had just gone to the restroom, so I told her "no." A minute later, a puddle of liquid was on the floor- except that the floor was not level. So it all rolled under the Coca Cola case at the end of the check out line.

3. When Keith was born, I sterilized anything that touched him. I was slightly less paranoid with Emma. By the time I got to Amy, I was pretty much over it. We were at the Fairgrounds one day at the Flea Market. I had brought sandwiches for my kids to eat, so I could make sure they were eating something at least a little healthy, and because Fair food is so outrageously expensive. As we were walking along, Keith dropped his sandwich on the ground. I picked it up, brushed it off and gave it back to him. My friend, a first time mom, just about died on the spot thinking of all the germs I had given him.

2. I have a diet coke instead of coffee. My kids used to ask if they could have one, too. I, of course, said no. Because I was a "grown up". (The irony...)

1. My youngest, Amy, came in to the bathroom while I was drying off from a shower. She looked at my tummy, poked it with her finger and announced it was squishy. Somehow, because I'm her parent and I love her, she has lived to tell the tale.

I'm certain there is more, and there will be much, much more to come. But for now, I'll stop.

For anyone who is also a parent, thank you for laughing WITH me. For anyone who is NOT a parent, don't laugh AT me-- what comes around goes around...

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