Thursday, June 19, 2008

Sweet Dreams

I am exhausted. Hubby kept me up all night snoring.

Snoring has got to be one of the single most annoying noises in the world. Especially the way my hubby snores: a couple of good snorts, then nothing (just to lull me into sleep) then a big noise that makes me levitate off of the bed.

I remember my father snoring when I was growing up. I could hear him down the hall with both of our doors shut. I can't imagine how my mother slept through it, when I barely could in another room.

When hubby starts up, I have to admit that I have resorted to tactics that are not all together kind to get him to stop. Because, I reason, if I could beat him to sleep, he could snore all night, and I would be none the wiser.

But if he starts sawing logs before I'm in REM sleep, I'm up for the duration. It seems sort of sad to go sleep in another room without him. Not to mention, I apparently have the ONLY working alarm clock in the house. Or else my family has some ailment that does not allow them to use their own.

I can't wear earplugs, because I am the only one that can hear the kids if they get up in the night. Hubby could have a kid puke on him before he ever realized they were out of their bed and in our room.

So when he begins (usually sort of softly), I gently touch his legs with my cold feet. That's usually enough to get him to jolt a little. If he doesn't stop, I sort of jiggle the bed, attempting to get him to role over in his sleep, so at least he's snoring away from me. (Although I'm amazed he hasn't sucked the curtains right off the windows when he faces away from me and really gets going.)

If that doesn't, I will confess I have feigned having a nightmare in order to flail a little and make some noise to get him to roll over. When all else fails, I just shake him and hiss, "Stop snoring."

His response is usually one of two things:

1. "I was snoring? I couldn't hear myself." Huh. Really? Maybe because you were ASLEEP???
2. "I was sleeping. Why did you wake me up?" To which I respond, "Because you are snoring and I can not sleep." And, he, being the ever-concerned spouse replies, "Great. Now we're both up."

I can't imagine what makes people snore so loudly. When I try to make the noise, I gag on my tongue.

Hubby can snore in & out. I guess that makes him talented. It just makes me tired.

I will say, colds and incredibly deep sleep have made my hubby report back that I do, indeed, snore on occasion. But for the most part, I hardly move in bed when I sleep. When hubby is out of town, I can pull the covers down on my side of the bed, sleep, and only have to make up my side of the bed when I get up. His side is virtually undisturbed.

However, hubby's nocturnal gymnastics have required little clips on each corner of the fitted sheet, so he doesn't pop them off and roll up in the elastic. And he usually takes all the covers, then gets hot and throws them off of him onto the floor.

We've tried strips across the nose, nose drops, pillow-top mattresses, stacking pillows underneath him- all with little or no success. The only thing we've found that is 100% is for me to fall asleep before him.

It's no wonder royalty kept separate bedrooms! They could afford it!

Truth be told, I would not want separate bedrooms. My bed is terribly empty (albeit quiet) when he is out of town. I like spooning with him. I like feeling his steady breathing (pre-snore sleep). I like how he smells when he's just gotten out of the shower and comes to bed.

I just need a way to fall asleep quickly, and beat him to the punch. That way we can BOTH rest well.

In the meantime, if you happen to come by our house at night and hear what sounds like a hungry bear attacking our family, no worries. It's just my hubby... You can knock on the door to visit, if you want. I'll be up...

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