Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Oh No, You Didn't!

I hate being told what to do. And I even hate more when I'm told I can't do something.

I would NEVER want to be "The next American Idol." I don't want the headache of having someone tell me what to wear, how to fix my hair, and all the things I could have possibly done wrong during my performance in front of all of America. But, still, it hacks me off beyond belief that I am "too old," according to their rules/regulations.

I'm a terrible dieter. When I start a new diet and the first thing I read or hear is: "Here's what you CAN'T have." When that happens, guess what I want most of all??? And the more I think, "No, you can't have chocolate," the more I think, "I HAVE to have chocolate!!!!"

Now, unlike Sammy Hagar, I CAN drive 55. I find that my need to be rebellious can be seriously thwarted by negative monetary consequences. In other words, I'm too cheap to pay the speeding ticket.

Also, the reverse psychology has its limitations. For example, telling me, "I'll bet you can't do 100 sit ups," Just makes me say, "OK. You're right. And, your point is..."

And vagueness makes me crazy: "You can't spend any money," says hubby. "OK. We have to buy groceries and gas, so which account do you want me to use?" I reply. "None. Don't spend any money," he says. "OK. Seriously. Which account and how much?" I demand.

If he gives no real answers, I become rebellious and decide if he won't give me some realistic guidelines that I will spend whatever I feel like spending, on whatever I choose to purchase. I know there will be consequences, but I don't always have the self-control to care

This habit of feeling the need to prove myself or make a point has gotten me tons of craft stuff (because I refused to pay the retail price, sure I could make it myself). However, the craft supplies ended up costing about three times as much as the initial inspiration would have, at full price. And I have a ton of craft stuff to have to store.

Feeling the need to do something better than someone else is how I ended up with most of my majors in college. I would be around a person in a profession that I felt was doing a poor job, and I would think, "They really could do that better... You know, I could do that better." And suddenly, I would have a whole new major. (That's why I graduated with 174 credits for a B.A.)

The opposite happens when I doubt my ability to do something- especially when I feel my inability is caused by something out of my control. I simply shut down, give up, quit. I guess my rationale is, if I can't do it perfectly, my way, then forget it. That has been my justification for not starting diets, not hanging pictures in the house, and not starting various other projects.

I don't know that realizing all of this and acknowledging all of this is enough to break the pattern. I am absolutely hard-wired to go against compliance to a certain degree. Granted, I would never be a good hippy or a political protester or, especially, a criminal. But I do feel the need to be my own person and fight for what is fair and right.

I don't have the head shake and finger snap down to say, "Oh no, you dint!" or however that pronunciation should be written out. But I can do a mean "pout," turn on my heel and say "hmpf" as I walk away. And I am not nearly mature enough to not enjoy a good "I told you so" every once and a while.

Maybe someday... but you better not tell me to, or else you will never see it in this life time...

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