What I Meant to Say Was...

I get several magazines delivered to my house each month, and I love browsing others in line at the supermarket. I'm never failed to be amazed by all the stupid stuff that gets stuffed into the slick pages of the publications.

They have titles designed to catch your eye and make you want to read them. Yes, I want to know how to lose 10 pounds by eating chocolate! Please tell me now how to get the hair of the stars! Give me advice on how to make my children LOVE vegetables!

But when you flip to the story, the answers are pretty much common knowledge. "Have your child taste vegetables. They will acquire a taste as they get older." "Lose 10 pounds by substituting some of your normal caloric intake for chocolate." "Register to win a free makeover with the hairstylist to the stars by purchasing the following professional hair care products and sending in the UPC codes."

I've decided to take the current issue of "Health" magazine and take their cover titles and put in subtitles that would be more honest and accurate for consumers.

1. "161 Fat-Burning Tricks"~ subtitle: "161 Exercises That Burn Calories- If You Actually Do Them"

2. "Natural Cure For Cramps"~ subtitle: "Whiskey, Chocolate and Sleep"

3. "Get a Flat Belly While You Sleep"~ subtitle: "By Not Eating the Entire Day Before"

4. "Stressed? 33 Great New Ways to Relax"~ subtitle: "33 New Recipes for Martinis"

5. "Lumpy Breasts: What's Normal? What's Not?"~ subtitle: "For a Smoother Look, Try the T-Shirt Bra from Victoria's Secret"

6. "Lose 10 lbs. Fast! No Diets! No Hunger!" ~ subtitle: "Put Down Your Purse. It's Killing Your Back & You've Got Way More Stuff Than You Actually Need"

7. "Just a Mole Or Cancer?" ~ subtitle: "Use Sunscreen & Make Regular Check Ups with Your Doctor and Your Dermatologist"

8. "#1 Secret to Gorgeous Skin" ~ subtitle: "Wash It"

9. "Turn on Your Skinny Gene" ~ subtitle: "Quit Eating"

Add some glossy photos of famous people, before and after photos of makeover models, and some doctored up pictures of stars who are either pregnant, on drugs or both, and you've got yourself a publication!

Hope you find this helpful, and perhaps a little humorous. I've always believed in keeping a sense of humor about things- especially when something is ridiculously dramatized to scare us into a purchase.

I'm certain you or I could do this with just about any and every magazine on the stand. And quite a few television commercials, and even published books. It makes me especially angry that so many people have such hope of a miracle, and put so much stock in these "bubblegum for the brain" publications.

Most of the time, people really know the answers themselves, if they just think, use common sense and be realistic. Use the rule of thumb: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

But as long as people are looking for the easy way, the quick fix, the big payoff- these spin doctors will have a job. And I will continue to laugh and give my own subtitles.

Happy reading!