Did I Just Say That???

Since having children, there are countless numbers of things I would never in my wildest imagination think I would say. Some, because I swore I wouldn't be like my parents. All, because I had never been a parent. I've tried to collect the more unbelievable (to non-parents, that is) and put them together. Here are my (current) top ten:

10. "For the last time, quit playing with the fire!" (Why does this even have to be said, much less repeated?)

9. "Turn over and let me look to see if you wiped enough to get all the poo off." (Enough said.)

8. "Quit licking the dog." (Ditto.)

7. "If you don't buckle your seat belt right now, I'm going to blow up!" (That just makes them want to watch you blow up. They're thinking, "Cool. Like a balloon!")

6. "Stupid is a bad word for you because you're little. When you're a grown up, it's okay." (Said after being caught using said word in conversation with another adult, and being quizzed about it. Quite the logic, don't you think?)

5. "Quiet, honey. You need to ask those kinds of questions privately. That woman is NOT pregnant/ugly/a man. She's just heavy/having a bad hair day/wearing clothing that doesn't flatter her figure." (As the daggers shoot at us.)

4. "If you eat your vegetables, hair will grow on your chest." (Something my parents said to me to make me laugh and eat the vegetables, but didn't work. I tried it with my kids. Same outcome.)

3. "No, no, honey. Don't eat the candy off of the floor. It's dirty." (GAG)

2. "Did you just wipe your nose on me???" (yes)

1. "Honey, why on earth would you try to flush the cat down the toilet??? (True story. Cat was mad, but fine.)

There are many, many more I could add. And I will probably wake up in the middle of the night somewhere between laughing hysterically and sadly shaking my head remembering them all.

Anyone who is not a parent and does not believe me, simply borrow a small child for 24 hours, and soon you'll find yourself saying, "Because I said so," after patiently trying to explain the 400th "Why?". Or, you might think, "I am SO glad no one else heard that," when you hear yourself say, "Those dimples in my butt are just the way God made me, sweetie. I'm sorry you're sad you don't have them, too."

Children are magical because of their complete and utter unawareness of social faux pas and their unquenchable desire to learn. It's just we adults who sometimes forget that magic and specialness are what makes children so wonderful.

So, next time you hear a parent say, "Oh, honey, quit chewing on your shoe, please," just smile and know that's really only the tip of the iceberg!